Cascadia High School District 206 Ego Occidam Puerorum

Notable Students


Angela Ostrowski

Angela Ostrowski

Angela is a senior and the last person you ever want to make eyes at. This violent vixen lures unsuspecting bachelors into her web of malevolence until they reach their inevitable demise. Rumor has it, if you hold Angela’s hand for more than ten seconds, your nails pop off your fingers, and then your entrails will fall out of the nail-holes. Angela was most recently seen practicing karate. Or maybe it was something Satanic?

Bryce Hanover

Bryce Hanover

The point guard, shortstop, cornerback, midfielder, left wing, and discus-thrower for Cascadia; Bryce is a thoroughbred gorilla. Bryce is capable of deadlifting an adult bovine as well as eating its weight in beef. Most recently, Bryce was seen having a high-fiving contest with his buds to see whose palms would start bleeding first.

Dan Casper

Dan Casper

Dan is a total idiot-weirdo-doofus-lame-o-fool for being friends with Angela. Dan lives down the street from her, so he was obviously hypnotized at a young age by that Lilith. Dan was most recently seen at the public library recreationally reading a book – like a loser.

Dan Casper
Rafael Cortez

Rafael Cortez

Our school’s sultry foreign exchange student hails from somewhere in Europe. His flower-petaled lips, macchiato-colored eyes, and sculpted buttocks enchant anyone with a pulse. Rafael was most recently seen lighting lavender-scented candles with this trick he knows how to do with matches and his tongue.

Monica Henderson

Monica Henderson

New-in-town, Monica is still figuring out the lay of the land here at Cascadia. With her wholesome demeanor, Monica is cherry pie personified. Most recently, Monica was seen volunteering with her sign language skills at a LGBTQ Youth Center for the hearing impaired.

Monica Henderson